What would you think if I told you my house had burned
down.... and with it all my pictures and sentimental items. What if I told you at the same time I’d
lost my job and no one is hiring. And
that my closest friends had all moved away.
It’s hard to explain what is going on in my heart during
this transition time. People see me in
church chatting with others. I look
normal. I nod and smile at the
appropriate places. I look like I’m
adjusted and fit right in. Maybe if my
skin was a different color or I spoke with an accent people might wonder if I felt comfortable in this place. But because I look like everyone else....it’s
assumed that I’m fine.
16 years of my life have ended. It feels like the memories are destroyed
like pictures in a fire. The little stool that my chubby toddlers
stood on to lick the spoon is gone.....
but for some reason the memory feels dead too. Since there is no one here who walked with
me in those years in the tribe there is no one to rehash the memory with. (And face it, one sided rehashed memories
really aren’t fun for the other person.)
My job as I knew it is over.
I’ve been fired. And not by
choice. The skills I acquired to live
and function and minister in a foreign country are not required nor desired
here. No one cares that I can make
refried beans in a pressure cooker, can
calm down a scared national because their baby has epilepsy, that I can converse in foreign languages and
understand foreign culture, or that I can make our family survive on 2 gallons
of water a day. The years of learning
the nuances of Guarijio culture don’t matter because I’ve not learned the intricacies of Garrett County culture in the process. And that is what matters now. I feel lost.
My missionary friends
who understand me are far away. (Although
thank God for Facebook) Even though I
never felt close relationship with the Guarijio I now realize that I did feel ‘community’
with them. Community there means
depending on each other, needing each other, using each other, being in each
other’s lives daily even if it’s annoying and messy. I haven’t learned what community is here
yet.... but so far what I’ve seen is independent people not really wanting to
need others or use others and are very afraid of bothering others. And I
don’t know how to fit in with that. No
one is hiring. My
whole world is upside down. I do not
have it all together- I do not even have a little bit of it together.
Maybe in 5 years I’ll fit in.
