Wounded

“In Love’s service only wounded soldiers can serve”  Brennan Manning

Somewhere along the way I came to the belief that to be a good Christian worker you need to have all the right answers.  Not only the right answers but with strong conviction and true faith to back it up.   Lately I’ve been backing away from teaching opportunities.  Mostly but I don’t have the right answers anymore.   God hasn’t changed.  But the way I thought God worked , the way I thought my faith worked…. Humanly speaking ,  it appears my right answers and strong conviction have fallen on their faces.     So obviously I have to figure it all out again… right?

 Wounded soldiers in His service:  I know I would much rather talk to someone who is struggling and doesn’t have it all together.     Do I need to have the answers?  Or is raw honestly of a life that is in pieces… is that what is used?      I know Dennis’ grandpa said he was able to speak to more people about the Lord in the dialysis waiting room than he ever had in his whole life.  An elderly man on dialysis- a wounded soldier.   

  My wounds are not healing.  I grieve, I cry , I want to be normal,  I worry that I will become normal,  I dream of something bigger than this world, and at the same time I’m afraid to dream because my last dream died a painful death. 

  But is this OK?  Can I be in this place of uncertainty and tears and no answers and afraid to dream and still be right where God wants me?    Can I accept the unknown manna , the ‘what is it?’,    and stop trying to fix it, change it,  shake my fist at it, or deny it?    

 I didn’t know God would choose to use a such a messy life.  I thought a warrior stood strong at every adversity.   Sacrificed at every turn.  Laid down my life for everyone else.  Strong. 

     

 But I’m not strong and it seems that does not disappoint God.